Feels Like Coming Home | +arrowsandradiation
When he tries to reassure her, that’s when she breaks. She pushes herself from the sofa without warning, pinning him back against the wall roughly. She’s exhausted, strung out on regret and failure, and he’s being nice to her. There’s only so much she can take.
“You know nothing,” she tells him, and there’s a tremor to her voice - slight, but she knows he’ll hear it. “Nothing. You hear me?”
With that, the fight goes out of her. She lets him go, falling back a few steps in horror at what she’s done. “I… I shouldn’t have…"
The horror only intensifies as she feels her eyes beginning to burn a little. Crying? No. That’s for missions, for gaining information - not for Clint. She blinks a few times, turning away from him.
“Please,” she says, eyes closed as she tries to steady herself. “I can’t do this now. I’m… You should go find your new partner. They’ll have assigned one already no doubt. I’m not your problem anymore.“
He can see her breaking. Little movements in her fingers, her arms, then her thighs and her shoulders, before she pushes herself off the couch, his body prepared for her launching at him and the feeling of the wall in his back not pleasant, but expected. He takes it, he lets her do it, the voice of hers shaking very, very lightly. A sign for him to not give up just yet.
Of course he knows. He knows what’s going on in her, because it happened in his own head as well. Way before, he had pushed people away, he had let himself fall into the pit filled with guilt and regret too many times.
She lets go and he steps forward again, her words not really reaching his mind. He watches her turn away and his shoulders tense, he steps forward, waiting for her to finish her sentence.
"I don’t have a partner. You are my partner. I don’t want anyone else.”, he says quietly, his arms wrapping around her, his nose against her shoulder. He doesn’t say anything now, just feels. He tries to feel her body, before she pushes him away, he kind of expects it.“It’s okay, Natasha. It’s okay. Please believe me.”
Natasha’s only worried for herself when she finds herself leaning back into Clint, hands coming up to rest over his. Safety. Oh, she’s been chasing it for so long, and here it is. Right where it should never have been allowed to be.
She feels warm for the first time in months - she hadn’t realised how much she missed the sensation until he’s wrapped around her again.
It’s that realisation which forces her to pull away from him again, turning back around so that she can see him. She’s physically shaking, albeit gently, and her gaze is direct and pleading as she forces herself to look at Clint.
“They’ve decided I’m not fit for purpose,” she tells him. “They’ve taken me out of the game. A desk job - they might as well have thrown me to the wolves. I can’t be your partner, Clint, not like this. Not-”
Broken. She cuts herself off, forcing her head high. That night, the night they never spoke of, where they had plans to run off together - that happened to a different woman. She had been closer to whole than she’d been in a long time then, and she’s allowed herself to be broken again.
“They’ll be able to protect you.”
arrowsandradiation reblogged this from inheritorofmemories and added:
When she’s burying her face in his shoulder, he thinks things are going to be okay, before he blinks, looking at her as...
inheritorofmemories reblogged this from arrowsandradiation and added:
Natasha steps forward, burying her face in his shoulder for just a moment before taking herself across the room. She...
carmy-w liked this